How to Help

Many women experiencing abuse may not know where to turn for help or may have had negative experiences when seeking support. Your willingness to assist can be crucial in a victim’s safety planning. However, while being willing and well-intentioned is important, being prepared to provide the right kind of help is even more vital.

How Can I Know for Sure if She’s Being Abused?

The only way to know for certain if someone is being abused is to ask. Contrary to the myth that women don’t want to talk about their abuse, many women hide it due to fear of embarrassment, retaliation, blame, disbelief, or pressure to take actions they’re not ready for. By asking directly, in a private and non-judgmental way, you relieve her of the burden of coming forward on her own and show that you care and are willing to help.

Keep your approach simple and sensitive. For instance, if you’ve noticed something concerning, you might say, “I noticed [specific observation] and I’m concerned about you. Is there something I can do to help?” Or, “You seem stressed and unhappy. If you want to talk now or later, I’m here and will keep it confidential.”

People sometimes hesitate to express concern because they believe it’s “none of their business” or worry that their help will be unwelcome. But the idea that “what happens behind closed doors” is off-limits has contributed significantly to women’s isolation. The risk of being rebuffed is minor compared to the potential impact of reinforcing her isolation.

If You Ask, Be Prepared to Respond Supportively

There are several steps you can take to offer supportive and empowering help to an abused woman:

• Initiate the conversation privately and ensure you have enough time to talk if she chooses to open up.
• Let go of expectations for a quick fix to domestic violence. Understand that what may seem like “inaction” could be her best safety strategy at the time.
• Challenge and change any misconceptions you may have about abused women. They are not abused because something is wrong with them; they are trapped by their partners’ violence and coercion. Recognize their resilience, courage, and resourcefulness to better support them.

Do’s of Providing Supportive and Empowering Help

• Believe her and let her know you do. Remember, abusers often behave differently in public than in private.
• Listen carefully to what she shares. By actively listening, asking clarifying questions, and avoiding judgment or unsolicited advice, you’ll better understand her needs.
• Build on her strengths. Identify and acknowledge her coping strategies, problem-solving abilities, and courage, even if her efforts haven’t fully succeeded. Encourage her to continue building on these strengths.
• Validate her feelings. It’s normal for women in abusive situations to have conflicting emotions. Reassure her that her feelings are understandable and valid.
• Avoid victim-blaming. Make it clear that the abuse is not her fault. Reinforce that the abuse is her partner’s responsibility, but avoid speaking negatively about him.
• Take her fears seriously. If you’re concerned for her safety, express this concern without judgment, such as, “Your situation sounds dangerous, and I’m worried about your safety.”
• Offer help. Provide specific forms of help or information as appropriate. If she asks for something you can do, do it. If you can’t, help her find another way to meet that need.
• Be an active partner in her safety planning. Safety planning involves considering all options, evaluating risks and benefits, and identifying ways to reduce risks. Offer ideas, resources, and information to assist her.
• Support her decisions. Remember that every decision carries risks. If you truly want to help, be patient and respect her choices, even if you don’t agree with them.

By being informed, empathetic, and supportive, you can make a significant difference in the life of someone experiencing domestic violence.